Blazingly slow.
Emotionally consistent.
The world's first human-powered analytical database. Why pay for compute when Dave is right there?
Or try this one-liner:
uv run --with humandb python -c "import humandb; print(humandb.query('<insert your query here>'))"Why HumanDB?
In-Brain Storage
Columnar data stored directly in Dave's hippocampus. No disk I/O. Occasional déjà vu.
Post-it Indexing
Sub-optimal but colorful. Each index is handwritten and stuck to the monitor bezel.
OLAH Processing
OnLine Analytical Humans. Industry-standard since 2003. Powered by drip coffee and determination.
Eventual Consistency
Dave will get back to you. He's pretty sure the data is right. Like, 80% sure.
SLA: 1 Business Day
Or 3 if it's quarter-end. Or 5 if Dave is on PTO. We'll circle back.
SQL or Natural Language
Dave learned SQL first, then English. He understands both. Just ask him anything — he's been here since before the codebase.
TRY IT YOURSELF
No need to import your data — Dave IS the database. Just type any query and hit Enter. This is a real live demo — Dave will actually answer you.
Don't know what to ask?
Dave doesn't actually have access to your data. He makes it all up. That's the point.
Benchmarks That Matter
Independent testing conducted by Dave (he graded himself).
| Metric | DuckDB | HumanDB |
|---|---|---|
| Query Speed | 0.003s | 2–4 business hours |
| Cost at Scale | Pennies | $49/mo + snacks |
| Vibes | Clinical | Immaculate |
| Gut Feeling | N/A | ✅ Built-in |
| Remembers Your Birthday | No | Yes (Dave is thoughtful) |
Simple, Human Pricing
No hidden fees. Just hidden humans.
Free
For the curious and the budget-conscious.
- 1 human analyst (Dave, part-time)
- Max 3 queries/hour
- Coffee not included
- Results delivered via Slack DM
- Emotional support not guaranteed
- "Best effort" accuracy
Pro
For teams who need answers before EOD.
- Up to 5 human analysts
- Priority Slack channel
- Coffee reimbursed up to $8
- 1 free "urgent" escalation/week
- Dave gets a standing desk
- Results include confidence emoji (👍/👎/🤷)
Enterprise
For when your board asks about your 'data infrastructure.'
- Unlimited human analysts
- On-call overnight human
- "We'll figure out the SLA"
- Dedicated Slack workspace
- Quarterly team pizza party
- Dave gets equity (maybe)
Get Started
$ pip install humandbWorks with Python 3.8+. Humans not included.
Built with ❤️ and mild existential dread by MotherDuck